Sex and Unsuspected Life Lessons From a Small Piece of Denim

The other day I bought a pair of really sexy denim shorts in Istanbul.

This was not a premeditated act of rebellion or provocation. I saw them in a cool shop. Tried them on. Looked bangin’ in them. Didn’t think twice about dropping 20 bucks. And left the shop with them on, feeling like a hot tamale.

(Stay with me ‘cos this is gonna get deep)

I bought them because they make my waist look skinny, my legs look long and because it’s damn hot in Turkey and I like as little clothing on my legs as possible.

Who knew a small piece of denim could bring up so many deep reflections (and an unsuspected treat too)?

Sticks and stones can break my bones

… but looks could never hurt me

Wearing my new shorts, and especially being in a predominantly Muslim country, I’ve been getting stares left, right and centre. At first, it was a bit uncomfortable but then I realized two things:

1. Not all looks are judgemental.
2. Even if they are, that’s their business.

Not all looks are the same

Some people may look at you out of curiosity because you look different or unusual. I noticed this in myself when I linger a little longer looking at women wearing a burqa. I’ve no judgment whatsoever but I’m fascinated by it due to the uncommonness in Spain (where I live) and the extremity of its meaning.

Other looks, usually from men, can be looks of lust. Those can make you feel uncomfortable and can trigger self-consciousness.

And some people are just staring into the abyss and aren’t even looking at you when you think they are. Lol. Here’s where you catch your ego thinking it’s the centre of the Universe.

Their business, not yours

People are entitled to look at you when you walk around a public space. Why not?

Why wouldn’t or shouldn’t someone look if/when you walk around looking sexy, different, unusual or empowered? It’d be like saying people shouldn’t look at art.

Besides, trying to change others is insanity. All we can learn to master is ourselves and give less f*cks.

“I don’t care what you think of me. I don’t think of you at all” — Coco Chanel

There’s a dose of toxic masculinity everywhere. If you dress sexy or different, many will look, some will stare, and very few will act inappropriately. Do the latter need to learn to behave more like humans than baboons? For sure.

Does this mean you need to change the way you dress to avoid their stares, comments or whistles? Absolutely not!

What you can do:

1. Realise if someone’s being judgy it can be because of deep-rooted insecurity in themselves or due to their conditioning.
2. Grow a thicker skin, ignore or confront when necessary.
3. Be wise and stay on the safe side when necessary. Not walking around at 4 AM in an empty, dodgy area (this is not gendered or clothing specific) may avoid a potentially dangerous situation.

Busting the modesty myth

Women in most societies (myself included by a few male friends of mine) have been told forever and ever that they should “maintain their modesty”. Be pure, virginal, clean, mysterious. If that’s your thing, cool. But being told by a man is a form of control and repression.

“Be who you are, not who the world wants you to be” — Coco Chanel

There’s nothing wrong with you wanting and/or liking to feel sexy, and empowered (this is not gendered specific either).

There’s nothing wrong with enjoying being looked at. In fact, it’s part of the Social Media world we live in, right?

Or liking the little boost of self-esteem you may get from being acknowledged by others. This doesn’t make you an egomaniac (unless you make it your sole life’s purpose and become dependent on it).

The question is, can you handle the attention?

It’s not the clothes you wear

It’s how you wear them.

When you’re insecure it seems unwise to dress in ways that may get people to look at you, not because of the dangers a twisted mind could fabricate (being attacked, raped, kidnapped), but because you may not be able to handle the attention. It may fuel self-consciousness and insecurity even more. This was true for me when I was younger.

Dressing “differently” has nothing to do with others and everything to do with you.

If you can’t handle it, meaning being able to do your own thing and turn around to tell someone to back the fuck off if they’re making you feel unsafe or uncomfortable, then wait. You need to know and set your boundaries first.

As Grandmaster Flash said, it’s like a jungle sometimes out there.

If you wanna wear the leopard’s skin you gotta start acting like a leopard and not like a vulnerable pygmy mouse.

What you can do:

Ask yourself the following questions next time you’re hesitating to wear or buy a piece of clothing you may not be used to wearing (or not wearing).

• Why am I wearing these clothes (I know may trigger undesired looks?)
• Where am I wearing these clothes (am I putting myself in danger?)
• How does it make me feel to wear these clothes (empowered or self-conscious?)

Conclusions and perks

I’ll leave you with a cheeky anecdote about my purchase.

Married life with two dogs and road tripping all over the world can get exhausting. The first thing that takes a toll is sex. You end up choosing cosiness over sexy times as the “productive” periods eat up a lot of the desire.

Introduce 20$ sexy shorts.

Cut to: pound town

Score!

The outtakes from this:

• Not all looks are evil, some are just curious. It’s cool.
• Other people’s judgement is their battle. Don’t make it yours.
• Modesty is a construct, break free from its chains.
• Know and set your boundaries
• Feeling sexy may bring more sex to your life!

One final thought and I’m genuinely asking, why do you think SM is plastered with SEX but in real life seems like we’re all supposed to maintain our modesty? Let me know your thoughts in the comments.

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This post was previously published on MEDIUM.COM.

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